And the word is... returned

...because I have returned, baby!! I'm back and better tha... hm... well, I'm back.

If you've missed my happy, witty, intriguing blog posts [what??], I'd encourage you to stop reading and come back at a later date.


You're still reading? Are you sure? It's your last chance to click that little red X in the upper right hand corner (or for you Mac people... that little red circle in the upper left). No? Okay, but you have been warned.


I'm writing this blog, metaphorically screaming from one of the lowest places I have ever been in my life. The past few weeks have seriously taken me to a deep, dark place to where I wouldn't sentence even my worst enemy. It is a place where, even the sunniest, warmest of days are cold and dreary. A place where the people I love the most, only bring about a pain in my soul. A place where, no matter how hard I try, I understand nothing, accomplish nothing, and feel nothing. Nothing but...nothingness. This is a place where, I just can't care about being strong, seeing any positives, and certainly not trying to fake a smile anymore. This place is wet. Not from the April showers, but from the floods of tears that flow from my eyes daily, hourly, almost constantly. Any energy that I can gather does not go toward moving forward, but only holding on for dear life to the place where I am. Holding on to something, anything, that will keep me from being swept away.

What has gotten me to this point? What is keeping me from completely giving up? How am I going to escape? If I only knew. Maybe we can figure it out.


I am here, not because of one single event in the recent or distant past, but because of an entire time period of my life. This period began when I was still a teenager, not sure exactly what was happening inside, but knowing enough to be scared. Then, as high school ended, and college began, fear became more a reality. I would have to face something I had long prayed would go away. I was able to, well I had convinced myself I was able to, hide certain aspects of my life.

A private battle, a personal war.

Then, just when you think you have a handle on life and its slippery trials, you get jerked back into reality. For me, that happened on Black Friday, 2009. More specifically, the following Monday when I was confronted, by a dear family member, about my private battle... which I had unknowingly made public. On that morning, my sister and older brother witnessed me kiss the man I had been secretly [maybe not-so-secretly] dating for about three months. No longer could I avoid the questions, suspicions, or assumptions, because they had been confirmed. I was not ready to confirm them, but as we all know, sometimes we don't get to make all of the decisions.

Unfortunately, the ripples this caused within my life are still affecting the glass pond I worked so hard to fabricate. For now, and the sake of this entry's length, I will not go into the details of the following reactions and more recent developments. Those are enough to warrant a separate entry. However, I will continue with the story of this time in my life...

Those specific months put such a strain on me mentally and physically that I began getting ill until I could no longer avoid the doctor. Yes.. I am a man... I avoid the doctor's office at all costs. I went for a visit because of intensifying health issues and after several tests and trips to specialists, the results were no good. Not only did they find that I had three blod-clotting disorders, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and two femoral arteries in one leg, but a small, minor issue... my organs were shutting down. It  had never dawned on me that the stress of coming out, paired with being a full-time honors student, working 20-30 hours a week, and being president of three student organizations, may not be so good for my health. It was not until my doctor looked me in the eye and said that without a break, I would not live to see UVA in the fall, that something clicked. WHAT? I am 20 years old, about to transfer to one of the best universities available, and you tell me I could die? Much to my chagrin, I was forced to lay low and allow my body to recover. In addition, I began seeing a counselor to help me with my inner, mental struggles. Again, not going into too many details [for now], I will fast forward a bit.

Then comes UVA. I made it. I was finally here! I had a great first semester. As you all know, I got into an amazing a cappella group, continued to serve with Circle K International, made a crap ton of new friends, and got to be a part of so many memories. Then, another battle. Can you think back a few months to a tribute blog of mine?

Just days before Christmas, my beloved Granny passed on. As much joy and peace as I have knowing she is finally happy, I still miss her. I always will. And with the beginning of a new semester, never fully completed my grieving process. Then comes the hardest academic semester yet. With the dreaded Psychology Data Analysis and Research Methods as a requirement to graduate, I had to suck it up. Let me sum up the class for you: Statistics. Let's just say the last time I took a stats class, I had to take it twice... and still barely managed a C. I have never been prouder.

I digress.

But this semester held more than just challenging classes. In mid-February, my partner (by that point of about 2 years) and I ended our relationship. Out of respect for him, myself, and the bond we shared, I will not go into details about the split. It was at times dramatic, and others decent. It was at times easy, and others hard. But in the end, it happened. It, along with other happenings surrounding the split, proved to be one of the most difficult times of my life. Now, I know... people always say that. It truly was. Never has my heart hurt the way it has in the past few weeks. In just two weeks, I lost 15 pounds and fell into the darkest hole I could ever imagine. But.... AHH!!! A "BUT"!!!!!!

But here is where the story gets better. Now, I have been working on this blog for a week or two. No lie. I sit and write a little, and then can't write anymore because it is just too much. So, I am here now... and as I wrap up this entry, I do so with a smile.

Wait. A smile?

In the past couple of weeks, I have been enveloped by a spirit of love like I have never known. I have learned to set my pride aside and be a normal human being. My life cannot, and no longer will, revolve around anyone and everyone who is not Jason Elliott. No. My life is now mine. I love you all, but you have your own lives. Why should you get mine as well? I only get one, so I am going to make the best of it that I can.

Hmm... I get the feeling you are probably wondering if this entry will ever end. Yes... it will. I honestly never intended for this to be so long. It just seems the more I type, the more I feel the need to explain and elaborate. Well, good thing for us is that I will be back to blogging regularly and will be sure to clear up any question marks soon.

With that, and as I feel inspired, I want to leave you with a video clip that one of my most special friends sent me on one of my worst days. I can't even say anything about how awesome this song and its message are. So please, enjoy, and remember that [in the words of some amazing guy's 'Word of the Day' on Facebook] -- You may feel like aluminum, but it is time to live your life like you're golden!!!

I can't thank you enough for reading this and still being here for me after months of being away. I have dearly missed blogging, both for you and myself, and cannot wait to get back to it! And now, everything is out there. No longer am I hiding me, my life. So with that, I send my love and appreciation and look forward to cranking out some blogs to make up for lost time! ....and I promise they will be much better than this one...

<3